


Grief, guilt and everything in between

by iantosgal



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, archiving old fic from LJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 22:17:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iantosgal/pseuds/iantosgal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard is consumed by guilt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grief, guilt and everything in between

Leonard McCoy feels like a murderer. It wasn’t him that had killed all those people. He knows that. He knows. But it doesn’t make him feel any less guilty. He looks around at his patients, all dead now, nothing he could do, dead before he got here really. He knows all this and he still feels sick.

What good was being a doctor if you couldn’t save people. If you couldn’t heal the sick.

One patient stands out in his mind.

A little boy, two years old at the most, blond hair, blue eyes, rosy cheeks and tears streaming down his face. His fever was through the roof, the chough racking through his tiny body, blood covering his lips. Leonard tried to save him but in the end, he couldn’t. He couldn’t save anyone. The disease had no cure, it hadn’t even been discovered yet.

So it wasn’t his fault. Not really.

It still hurt. It was like a physical blow each time one of them died underneath his hands. He battled to save the last one, the only one left. The little boy. If he could just save one, just one. But he couldn’t.

He throws things across sickbay, smashes things as Christine calls his name, trying to calm him, barely audible over the smashing and a primal roar that he later realises is coming from himself.

He calms down eventually. They put the sickbay back together. A memorial is held for the dead and the bodies taken back down to the planet and given a proper burial.

Leonard doesn’t shed a tear, he can’t not in front of everyone. Jim shoots him looks, as sensitive to Leonard’s moods as ever. He tries to talk to him but Leonard shuts him out. He feels bad doing it but he can’t handle it right now and so he retreats within himself, finding some corner of his mind to push all the pain, all the anger and the guilt, so that it is hidden.

He does well. Very well. Keeping his feelings locked away, never showing them to anyone. He distances himself from Jim and he hates himself for lying in bed next to him, his back turned to physically keep Jim at bay. He see’s the hurt in Jim’s eyes and he hates himself even more.

He is angry at the world, angry at science for not giving him the answer, angry at Jim for taking him there in the first place, angry at his medical staff for not finding answers, even though he knows it is all irrational, but mostly he is angry at himself. He let everyone down, he couldn’t do what was expected of him. His hands are covered in blood and he knows it.

He keep’s it all in, going about his business like he is fine and he truly believes he had everyone fooled.

But he doesn‘t. They all see his pain, his guilt, and they try to pull him out of it. But he has them all pushed so far away they can’t even get close.

About a week after the incident, Jim finally cracks. He storms into sickbay and grabs the doctor, hauling him out of the door before Leonard has even realised what is going on and steering him to their quarters.

“Bones, you gotta talk to me.” Jim demands, staring Leonard in the eye and it is damn hard to look away.

“I’m f…”

“You even think about saying you’re fine and I am going to hit you. I swear.”

Leonard swallows. He is not ready for this. He doesn’t want this.

“Jim, I can‘t.”

“Bones, this is me. Talk to me, please. I just want to help.”

And Jim is looking into his eyes and it is so hard to keep it in, so hard to keep Jim away. Before he knows what is happening Leonard feels hot tears trickling down his face.

“I couldn’t save them. I let them all die. Jim, what the fuck good am I if I can’t save people.”

Jim’s eyes are filled with so much compassion, so much love and understanding that Leonard finally turns away. He doesn’t deserve that. He feels Jim’s warm, soft hands on his face, turning him back to face him.

“You did everything you could.”

“But…”

“But nothing. There was no cure for them Bones. It doesn’t exist. I wish it did but it doesn’t. You need to forgive yourself.”

“I can’t.”

“Why? You can’t save everyone, Bones. You can’t save people when there is no way to do it. You are a good doctor, Bones, the best. You would never let a patient die if you had it in your power to save them. I love you, because of that. I love that you are so compassionate, I love that you care. A good doctor cares, Bones. And you are a good doctor and a good man. Don’t you ever think otherwise.”

And Bones lets himself break, lets himself crack. All the grief, all the anger, all the guilt, it pours from him like someone has turned on a tap. He cries and Jim holds him as he rants against the injustice of the universe, it isn’t fair, none of it is fair and Leonard hates everyone. Except Jim. He loves Jim.

Jim rocks him as he cries and presses soft kissed to temple and his hair and Leonard feels the tension ease, feels the guilt slipping away. And even though there is a moment where he feels guilty for letting go of his guilt, he knows Jim is right.

He did all he could. He was a doctor, not a God.

So Leonard just let himself grieve, let himself cry until there was no tears left to cry, and Jim just held him and whispered into his hair.

“It’s ok, Bones, I’m here.”

Leonard loves Jim for that. He loves him for so many reasons, but he loves Jim most of all because Jim loves him. He feels safe with Jim as he drifts off in his arms, because he knows Jim would never leave him, Jim would do all in his power to save Leonard.

Just as Leonard would do all in his power to save Jim, and any patient that came his way.

Because yes, he was a doctor and doctor’s saved people. When they could.


End file.
